Friday, 28 June 2013

Win, loos or draw

There are many lessons to be learned as a runner; some of the more pressing ones involve matters of a more personal nature.

We tolerate the lack of loo roll, blue chemicals, and stinky mist of a portaloo purely because we've learned, "if you think you need a wee before the race, you definitely need a wee before the race". You only need to be caught short on a once on a long run before your bowels become as important as your sports bra in the pre-run priority list.

Fewer things can distract a runner's attention more in a race than the imminence of a slightly nerve-wracking fart. On the other hand, fewer things tickle me more than an appropriately timed air biscuit. Frankly, if you're not amused by the occasional trump, I'm not sure we can be friends.

So, when Write this Run challenged us to write a blog post about funny, terrible or embarrassing race experiences, there was really one direction I could take this: down the pan.

Please enjoy my top 5 toilet-related race experiences (or not, if you're eating your tea): a game of Top Trumps, if you will.

5. I can't say I understand, but I can't help but admire those souls who run races dressed as giant African land mammals. If this is your cup of tea, don't forget to think through the details.

My overriding memory from the Great North Run was watching a lady in a 10 foot giraffe costume trying to negotiate her way into a portaloo.

I know that she made it into the cubicle but I'll never know if she made it back out.
4. When a friend sent me this fantastic blog post, "20 type of athlete you'll see at an ironman race", after last year's Challenge Vichy triathlon, I was able to report that all characters were indeed present and correct.

There was one clown missing from the list though: I like to call him "man squatting on run course trying not to get poo on his compression socks".

I may have struggled to run in 40oC heat that day but, in dark times, it's important to remember that there is always someone having a worse race than you.
3. I no longer run with an iPod. There are various reasons for this: wanting to experience a run/race; race organisers banning them from marathons; not wanting to be one of those swerving dervishes cutting people up at a mass start.

Superseding them all, however, was the moment I found myself around mile 9 of the Wokingham half marathon on a very quiet piece of road, running stride for stride next to a fellow competitor, and no-one else around us. With a PB in sight, I focused on the rhythm of the music in my ears and started to push the pace to ease past him.

Then I farted so loud, I heard it over my headphones. I got the PB though.
2. Counting lengths at the swimming baths is a tricky business in itself, never mind when you're racing.

At my first triathlon, I was reassured to be told in the race briefing, "don't worry if you lose count, when you have swum 28 lengths, someone will put a big number 2 in the water".

Luckily, it was just a laminated sign with a numeral on it; I kept my mouth closed in the shallow end just in case.
1. "You were my tailwind and are all record breaking runners, too!" said Haile Gebrselassie after he set a new world record at Berlin Marathon in 2007. I shared the road with the great man that day but it wasn't the tailwind I could feel while waiting in the start pen.

Packed into the crowd, I realised a warm sensation spreading down the back of my legs. Was it the collective tingle of nervous anticipation? No, it was the tepid sprinkle of a man's urination. On foreign soil and not knowing enough German to scold the perpetrator, I used my best international frown and shrug to ask him what he thought he was up to. He looked me in the eye and said in a London accent, "What's your problem? You'll have a shower at the end."

My race didn't go to plan that day but, in dark times, there are rare occasions when it's OK to hope that someone is having a worse race than you.

If you're racing this weekend - good luck! Feel free to leave your Win, Loos or Draw scores in the comments.


  1. Oh, Cakey! I really cannot comprehend why that man did a wee on you. It was a very bad thing to do.

  2. OMG, I was giggling, giggling, giggling... and then got to the end. WTF?????
    Now I'm speechless. Having to endure that, well, for that alone you should win the Write This Run spot!!!

    p.s. I'm glad he wasn't German or I'd have been even more mortified.

  3. I too saw a very tall Giraffe at the GNR in 2007. It was nearing the end of the race, when it disappeared into a hedge! She must have given up on the portaloos!

  4. Oh hilarious, all of them! One of the things they don't tell you when you start distance running is that you have to get very familiar with your bodily functions (maybe not as familiar as a bloke weeing on your leg though!)

  5. All of these are hilarious, apart from the last one- wtf? That is not okay.

  6. When is it EVER OK to wee on someone?!?! That's HORRIBLE!!! I'm very glad you were '0' amused and I hope you scrubbed hard in the shower at the end!
    This post has just made me laugh so hard! I shall definitely be on the hunt out for amusing race moments over the coming months but shall also cross my fingers that nobody else's wee runs down my leg!

  7. Omg this is easily one of the funniest blog posts I have ever read! I too have a similar experience of runner's bowl except at the Great Scottish Run it was to my advantage! One of the two extremely athletic male friends I was running with needed a poo and the second didn't want to leave a man behind! I wasn't so chivalrous and left them to bet them by five minutes!! He might of needed a poo but I needed to win ;p


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